How to Break Up in 7 Ways…
Everybody knows that it‘s a devastating experience to be left by someone you really love, be it a break up or divorce. We all have gone through this at least one time in our life. But the fact that it is also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves is something you only know if you have experienced it.
So, the question arises: how to break up with someone?
Relationships come to an end possibly, the reasons are numerous.
They all have in common that one member of the relationship is dissatisfied and pulls back. Maybe he has tried for some time to adjust the relationship according to his wishes. If this fails, he usually quits emotionally long before the actual break up. That is often the reason why the “dumpee” has the impression that the “dumper” is cold hearted—he left mentally months ago.
How to decide if the relationship should be ended or not?
Here are some guidelines you can consider when taking into account to end a relationship:
* Does the relationship allow you to evolve according to your wishes?
* Does the relationship fulfill your needs?
* Is it possible to have goals together and achieve them?
* Does your partner accept you as you are?
* Can you resolve conflicts together?
* Are you feeling good in your relationship?
* Is the communication with your partner good?
If your answer to these question is in the majority “no” then it is probably time to move on.
So, you want to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend and you don’t know how to do this? You’ve never done it before or wrong in the past and you could use a helping hand?
The first thing you have to realize is that there is no painless way.
It simply doesn’t exist. No magical words which take the pain away. It will hurt them and it may also hurt you. There is nothing you can do about this. You can only avoid some common mistakes and make it a little easier for them.
As you continue reading, you are about to learn the steps on how to break up with someone the best way. If you have made your decision, just use the following steps as a guideline.
How to break up with someone in 7 steps:
1. Keep a few days distance
It is very advisable to maintain some distance to your partner before you actually break up. This has many advantages. On one side you will gain some emotional distance, which is important to be able to go through the steps listed below.
On the other side, your partner will sense that something is about to happen and will hopefully emotionally prepare himself.
Just cut off contact for a week before. Do not give too much information, just say you’re busy.
2. Try to be sure about your decision
I know, that’s a tough one, especially when you love the person in question, or are very close to him/her.
Chances are that you were thinking about breaking up for a long time. You have come to the conclusion that you don’t fit together, have different expectations about life or were unable to resolve or get to the bottom of your conflicts. Maybe you have simply realized that you do not love your partner.
Either way, try to be sure that there is no chance of getting things right again. I wrote “try”, because I know that these things are not always easy to realize. You can be relatively positive on your decision, if you have tried for several times to work on your relationship by talking about your problems with your partner.
To help you with making the decision I suggest that you make a list with all the reasons why you want to break up and write a possible solution beside it. Then go through your list and reflect if you have done everything to solve the problems you’ve had.
By knowing the reasons for the upcoming break up you will on one hand be prepared for questions your partner might ask, on the other hand they will help you to cope with the break up yourself.
So, are you absolutely sure?
3. Do it in person
Always talk to your partner in person. Never use email, text messages or a letter.
I know this is tempting because it’s much easier for you, but it would also be another type of betrayal. You owe your partner that you look him in the eye when you break up with him. It’s a question of loyalty and moral—an unwritten law.
Not to speak that it’s easier for the person left behind to face the break up when you tell him/her personally.
Never walk away from this painful burden. Be fair.
4. Know what and how to say it – be prepared
This is anything but easy. You have to be well prepared—you have to know what to say in advance.
You must reckon that your partner is shocked. Even if the break up announced itself for a long time, it will come out of the blue for him/her. The “no contact” before can soften this.
There can be various reactions. Depending on the personality of your partner, there can be denial, crying, begging, aggressiveness, even abuse. Try to stay calm whatever happens. Never let this end in a fight.
Here is a short guideline how to behave when delivering the message:
* Always be understanding, no matter how your partner reacts
* Say that you are sorry that things have not worked out
* Be prepared for questions; look at your list of reasons before you meet
* Try to avoid intimate body contact
* Be confident. If you have not been dominant in your relationship, be it now
* Never be cold
5. Always be clear that it’s absolutely over
This is the most difficult part: Never ever let there be any doubt that your relationship is over.
You’ve made your decision. Be stick to it whenever you talk to your partner. Never give any hope. The clearer you are the better and easier it is for the person in the long run. Always keep in mind: there is no painless way.
This may sound coldhearted, but it isn’t. The earlier he/she accept that it is over, the earlier he/she can start the healing and separation process.
* “maybe sometimes we could get together again”
* “A part of me still loves you”
* “I never loved anybody as I loved you”
* “ok, give me some time to think it over”
* “we can still be friends”
Even if all this was true, you must not say it loud. It doesn’t help. I know it is tempting sometimes to say all of this (especially if there are still feelings from your side). You will feel the urge to ease the pain by saying something he/she wants to hear, but this is wrong for two reasons: you are giving false hope and delaying the healing process, and you are getting off your course.
You have deliberately thought this through in step two and you have decided to break up. Don’t let anybody talk you into that decision.
There simply is no way without pain. If you are harsh then you appear heartless, if you are not firm then they think that there is still hope. This is a very narrow path.
Find a healthy way in the middle and stay the person you are.
6. Give an opportunity for closure
When you break up with someone, that person often remains in a state of shock for several days. Often he/she cannot remember what was said during the break up, let alone understand the causes or your reasons that led to it. In this case he/she will seek for closure.
Here is a definition of the term “closure”:
In psychology, closure may refer to the state of experiencing an emotional conclusion to a difficult life event, such as the breakdown of a close interpersonal relationship or the death of loved one.
By closure I mean a resolving conversation about the reasons for the break up and an opportunity to say goodbye.
After a few days (not longer) offer a dialog, a conversation where you can discuss your reasons for the break up and why you think that your relationship has been going nowhere. Often they will ask for it for themselves.
You will encounter a lot of resistance and arguments here, but that is why I asked you to make that list in step two.
Remember, the goal is not to make the other person understand, he/she will not, no matter what you say.
Understanding will not come before a period of time. Your goal is to give the feeling of an ending and a goodbye.
Try to emphasize the feeling of goodbye by wishing all your best for his/her life and deliberately leading to a parting.
This will not be easy for you, because the person is still close to your heart.
Remember: stay strong. This is important.
7. Help them with no contact
The “no contact rule” is one of the most important premises for healing from a break up.
But sometimes the urge to call or meet is so strong that many can’t resist.
Help them with this.
Do not go to places where you might meet. If they call or email you, keep the response short and non-personal. Never call, email or text message first, not even to ask how they’re feeling.
Most of the time the one who breaks up has to learn as well that it is definitely over. By following the no contact rule you help yourself and your ex-partner.
Now you have a list with 7 steps on how to break up with someone. They will make the difficult task easier for both parties.
I know that the whole process is very difficult, but please keep in mind that a broken relationship is a deadlock. Not only that it’s stopping you from living a fulfilling love life, but it also can harm you self-esteem and confidence. Not to speak about your happiness.
Once you have made the decision, act upon it.
After you have accomplished this arduous task, you are one step closer to happiness.
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